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[EP01] Fruit baskets?

[EP01] Fruit baskets?

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Selan, Lady Ira




(It’s a bright, beautiful day on a certain college campus as a thin red-haired girl stands at a bus stop, absentmindedly listening to her iPod and ignoring the crowd around her. Next to her, someone reads a newspaper—the headline reads “APOGEE SAVES THE DAY AGAIN”, and a photo of the famed superhero graces a large fraction of the remaining page. The bus rolls around the corner just as the girl begins to get impatient, and she files onto the vehicle along with everyone else.)

(The sun is a little lower in the sky as the girl walks into her house. She drops her backpack at the door and pulls her earbuds out, walking into the living room where her roommates are watching TV.)


Selan:
Homies! What’s up in da hizzy!

Selanio (Motioning at the TV): What the hell is this?

Selan: I don’t know, you’re the one watching it. What is it?

Xeno: Looks like there’s a new villain in town.

Selanio: He’s treading on our domain, here!

Selan (watching the TV): What, did he take the mayor hostage?

Xeno: Yeah. Apogee interfered, of course.

Selan: They catch ‘im?

Xeno: Nah, he got away.

Selan: Isn’t that cute. Hey, wasn’t that the first thing we did, when we bust into the scene?

Selanio: Damn right it is.

Selan: Aww, maybe he’s a fan!

Selanio: Selanio wouldn’t count on it. I’m thinking this is more of a, “ha ha, see that, you guys? I can do the same things you can but BETTER.” Except that he didn’t do it better, but the insult’s the same.

Selan: Selan thinks Selanio’s being paranoid.

Xeno: I don’t know, you don’t usually see much camaraderie among villains. I mean, I guess he could be a fan, but considering our line of work it’s more likely that Selanio might actually be right for once.

Selanio: Selanio is always right.

Selan: Buu… okay, we’ll go meet him. Xeno, you do your psychic thing. Find out where this guy’s gonna hit next, ‘kay?

Xeno: Can do.

Selan: Cool beans. I guess that means I gotta go buy a fruit basket, yeah?

Selanio: What?

Selan: That’s what you do when you get new neighbors, right? You give them a fruit basket.

Selanio: This isn’t a new neighbor, Selan. It’s a new rival.

Selan: Still no reason to be inhospitable. ‘Sides, if he doesn’t want it, then we get a fruit basket!

Xeno: Don’t argue with her, man, she’s gonna do it whether you like it or not.

(Selanio groans)

Selan: ‘Kay, I’ll be at the store. You guys know how to contact me if you need to~

Selanio: At least buy rotten fruit.

Selan (at the door, grabbing her purse): Like some bananas that are too yellow and will be brown in a day? Maaaaybe! >D Ja~

(Selan leaves. Selanio smacks himself in the forehead.)

Selanio: That girl is hopeless…

Xeno (getting up): That girl is our leader.

Selanio: I know, I know…

(Selanio flumps down onto his side, lying on the couch and changing the channel. Xeno leaves to go to his room.)

(It’s a day later, and the three are waiting around in a bank, all dressed up in their villain clothes. Selan/ Lady Ira is tapping her foot impatiently while holding a large basket of fruit.)

Selan/ Lady Ira:
Ira is booooored. Are you sure he’s supposed to show up here, Omen?

Xeno/ Omen: Positive.

Selanio/ Baron von Boom: And you’re absolutely sure that this wasn’t just your powers telling you that we should just rob this bank and leave it at that?

Omen: We can do that after.

Baron von Boom: Sweet.

Lady Ira: Well, this jerk better show up soon. Ira is tired of holding this stupid basket.

Baron von Boom: I told you not to bring it, you should’ve listened.

Lady Ira: Oh, shush you.

(Just then, a large section of roof caves in. Lady Ira puts forth a hand, fumbling with the basket in the other, and puts up a barrier, protecting herself and her comrades from the falling ceiling. When the dust finally clears, the group can see two figures in front of them—a boy with orange hair, and a girl with black hair. Both hover over the ground, suspended by jetpacks.)

Girl: I think someone’s beaten us here.

Boy: Huh. I was wondering when we’d run into these idiots.

Baron von Boom: Hey! We’re not idiots!

Lady Ira (holding out the fruit basket): Hiiii, welcome to the city, I’m Lady Ira, and these are my homies Baron von Boom and Omen. We’re the place’s resident villains, it’s nice to meet you!

Boy (a little taken aback): Is that… what is that?

Girl: It’s a fruit basket, looks like.

Boy: I’m not taking it.

Lady Ira: Aww, why not? I picked it out special.

Omen (to Baron): This can’t be right. Those kids can’t be a day over 15.

Baron von Boom (to Omen): Kids these days… they just can’t leave the evildoing to the trained villains.

Boy: Look, we’re rivals, okay?! I’m not taking a fruit basket from someone who I don’t even like!

Girl: Oh, just take it.

Boy: But—

(The girl floats over to Lady Ira and takes the basket, smiling sweetly.)

Girl:
Thank you so much.

Lady Ira: Oh, it’s my pleasure!

Baron von Boom (covering his face in his hands): This is so fucking ridiculous.

Omen: It’s a little embarrassing…

Girl: Oh! You’ve told us your names, but you don’t know ours, do you?

Boy: They don’t HAVE to know our names, we’re going to destroy them anyway.

Girl: I’m Chandra, and he’s Quantum.

Baron von Boom (laughing): Quantum?! I guess it’s fitting, since he’s so small—

Quantum: I heard that, you moron!

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom was not trying to hide his laughing!

Omen: It’s your own fault, really, for choosing a name like that…

Quantum: For the record, I chose this name because I’m supposed to be unpredictable!

Lady Ira: Ah, sort of like… we can measure your position, but not your velocity?

Chandra: Sort of…

Lady Ira: Well that’s well and good, but unpredictability won’t help you with us. We’ve got a psychic! (She jabs a thumb in Omen’s direction)

Omen: Yo.

Quantum: Grrr… whatever! Enough of this mindless chatter! (He pulls a large laser gun from his belt and opens fire on the group) Eat laser!

Chandra (yelling over the sound of laser fire): Bri--Quantum, that wasn’t very nice! They were just being friendly!

Lady Ira (yelling from the cloud of smoke the lasers are causing): Yeah seriously! How antisocial can you be?!

(Quantum stops firing, surprised to hear Lady Ira talking. The smoke clears and reveals Lady Ira covering herself and the rest of them with one of her barriers)

Omen: You really didn’t plan that one out, did you?

Chandra: Well, it’s hard to get solid information on you guys. We’d heard you could make barriers but we weren’t sure.

Lady Ira: We should start a website. We could have an F-A-Q!

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom could get behind this. As long as there is no posting of our weaknesses.

Lady Ira: Oh, of course.

Quantum: Will you all shut up, already?! (He takes a breath) Jeez. Can’t you understand the fact that I’m trying to kill you all?

Lady Ira: Why?

Omen: Seriously. What’d we do?

Chandra: Actually, I was wondering that too. I mean, we just came to rob the bank. We could’ve just asked them to step aside, or split the money with us, or—

Quantum: Look, we’re out to take over the world, right?

Chandra: Well, yes…

Quantum: And so are they, right?

Baron von Boom: Damn right!

Chandra: Ah… yes.

Quantum: So doesn’t it stand to reason that it’d be a lot easier for us to take over the world if they were out of the way?

Chandra: I suppose so, but it still doesn’t seem like a nice thing to do.

Quantum: I’m not supposed to be nice, I’m a villain. We’re villains, Chandra!

Chandra: Ah… right. Bwa ha ha?

Quantum (shrugging): … okay. You know what? I think we should retreat and come up with some sort of strategy.

Chandra: Sounds like a good idea to me.

Omen: Yeah, seriously. This whole thing here was sort of a miserable failure.

(Quantum shoots at Omen, who dodges out of the way.)

Omen (a little frazzled):
Hey!

Quantum (chuckling): Take that as a warning. Next time, you won’t be so lucky! (he starts rising into the air)

Chandra (really trying to be evil, while following Quantum upward): Yes, we’ll do… bad things, next time! Okay? Ahaha…

Lady Ira: Good luck!

Baron von Boom: Don’t wish them good luck, they’re out for our blood!

Lady Ira: Oh… right. Not good luck! Sorry guys, but I like my blood!

Quantum (yelling from high in the air): That’s fine! I can kill you in plenty of ways that won’t draw blood!

Lady Ira: That isn’t cool either!

(No response—Quantum and Chandra are out of earshot now)

Lady Ira: Buu… well, that could have gone better.

Baron von Boom: Let’s rob this bank, already!

Omen: Yeah, yeah, we’re getting to it…

Lady Ira: I hope they like their fruit basket, anyway.

(Just then, the fruit basket falls out of the sky, landing with a SPLAT on the floor at Ira’s feet)

Lady Ira: Goddamn.

-- End: Episode one.
  • BEST EVER.

    BEST EVER.

    If this ever gets aired on real time, I will support you with all I've got.
  • I second Whispyhollow! This is freaking amazing!
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