[EP96] *sparkle, sparkle*
(The scene is outside a bank. Our villains are running off, wearing all sorts of jewels and such that they’ve raided from the safe-deposit boxes. They’re laughing, pleased with their haul, when an unfamiliar voice calls out:)
???: Lady Ira, my love!
(The three stop, looking at each other, bewildered.)
Baron von Boom: That wasn’t me.
Lady Ira (looking around): Does Ira have admirers?
(She spots a figure atop a building. He jumps down and approaches the group; he’s a brunette man, tall and tan, wearing a tuxedo with a jewel attached to his lapel. His cape billows behind him. He seems to sparkle and he looks rather cheesy. He bows—also cheesy—and takes Lady Ira’s hand.)
???: My darling, I’ve traveled thousands of miles to meet you… and confess my love.
Lady Ira: Uh… okay? Can I have my hand back please?
Baron von Boom: Hey, who the hell do you think you are?
???: Ah, a thousand pardons! They call me Adamo—I am a traveling villain; I go from city to city, leaving destruction and woe in my wake. I’ve heard tale of Lady Ira, seen her lovely visage on the TV and in the papers… and I’ve come here to tell her of my undying love!
Lady Ira (taking back her hand and wiping it on her shirt, as though Adamo is unclean): Uh…
(Adamo takes her hand again and, with a flourish, takes her into his arms. If this were an anime, there would be sparkles and roses flying about… as it is, there are only sparkles. Our villains wonder if sparkles are his superpower.)
Adamo: Come with me, my Lady. Run away with me and leave this town, and these barbarians, behind.
Baron von Boom: Barbarians?! You--!!
(Baron von Boom stomps over, takes Lady Ira from his arms, and tries to punch the newcomer. Adamo raises his arm to block—a small, sparkly energy shield appears over his arm and blocks the punch. He grins.)
Adamo: As I said. Barbarian.
Baron von Boom: Go fuck yourself! You’re barking up the wrong tree anyway. Ira is mine.
Adamo: Hoh? But on the television, she outright said that she is not spoken for.
Lady Ira: Oh, that was months ago.
Adamo: So it is true? You have given your heart to this… this wretch?
Lady Ira: He’s not so bad.
Baron von Boom: Not so bad? Darling, I’m amazing and you know it. u_u
Lady Ira: Hahaha, yeah.
Omen: You should probably go before the Baron beats you into a bloody pulp.
Adamo: I will not! I cannot stand to see such a pure beauty in the hands of this monster!
Baron von Boom: Look, she said she’s not interested in you. You can’t be all, “Oh, I’ll take her anyway”.
Adamo: She will realize her mistake once she is rescued from your filthy influence! (He grabs Ira’s arm and pulls her toward him. Suddenly, Ira is surrounded by sparkles.)
Lady Ira (struggling): Eh—I can’t move! Aww man!
Baron von Boom (growling): Let her go, you fucking fruitcake!
(The Baron and Adamo begin to fight. Adamo, with his sparkly powers of sparkleness, manages to keep him at bay with just one hand, while using the other arm to hold onto Ira)
Lady Ira (irritated that she’s the damsel in distress): Adam-o, I am going to hurt you SO BAD TToTT
Baron von Boom: Yeah, if there’s anything left of him once I’m done!
(The fight continues. After a little while, Apogee shows up! Oh nooooes. He lands next to Omen, looking more than a little confused.)
Apogee: Uh… what’s going on?
Omen: Fagballs over here is trying to seduce Ira by abducting her and the Baron is going to rip him into tiny pieces for it.
Apogee: Ah. … And you’re not helping?
Omen: I think he’d get mad at me if I got in the way of him hurting this loser.
Apogee: Oookay. (Apogee shrugs) Oh well, saves me some trouble. I gotta arrest that guy, he robbed an armored car last night.
Apogee: Yeah, so I can just let the Baron beat him up and handcuff him after. Ahh, I love it when things are this easy.
Omen: What’d he steal?
Apogee: Umm… some jewel. It was worth like, ten million dollars or something.
Omen (noticing the jewel that Adamo’s wearing): Oh, really.
Apogee: Yeah. (He pauses, then realizes that Adamo’s wearing the jewel, and then realizes what he’s done. He claps his hands over his mouth) Oh, shit--!
(Omen chuckles and rushes forward, his hands glowing.)
Apogee: W-wait, forget I said that!!
(Omen, obviously, isn’t listening to Apogee. He uses his telekinesis to grab the jewel and rip it off of Adamo. Adamo, realizing what’s happened, glares up at Omen)
Adamo (dropping his suave voice): What the hell do you think you’re doing?!
Omen: Well, if you’re going to take our leader, I think we’ll just take this.
Adamo: You have no idea what that’s worth!
Omen: Actually, I do. The hero over here says it’s worth ten million dollars.
Baron von Boom: Shit—that’s a good haul for something that size...
Omen: So if you want this thing back, you’d better give Ira back.
Lady Ira: I am a bartering piece TToTT I am sad.
Adamo: Do you realize how far I’ve traveled to be with her?
Lady Ira: I don’t even know you, man! You’re creepy!
Omen: Ignoring the fact that you more likely came this far to steal this thing…
Adamo (Omen’s hit the nail on the head): I—I did not! I stole that to pay for our extravagant wedding!
Lady Ira: I don’t know you!!
Adamo: Give it back!
Omen: Give our leader back!
(Baron von Boom rolls his eyes and, while Adamo is too busy arguing with Omen to pay attention, punches the fucker in the face. Adamo reels, and the sparkles around Ira disappear. The Baron grabs Ira and hugs her protectively, glaring up at Adamo)
Baron von Boom: Mine. Not yours.
Omen: I guess since you didn’t agree to my terms, I just get to keep this, then…
Adamo: I—I’ll kill you both!
Apogee (walking over): I don’t think so. You’re all under arrest, guys.
Lady Ira: H-hey, I can’t be under arrest! I’m the victim, here!
Apogee: You know, you say that, but I doubt that all those jewels you’ve got there belong to you.
Lady Ira: You don’t know that they don’t.
Omen: Hey, I have an idea. (He levitates a mailbox and bashes Adamo in the back of the head. He falls over, unconscious.) Ira, if you please?
Lady Ira: Bacon bomb time!
(Ira drops a smoke bomb and they all run off. Apogee groans, once again wondering why the smoke smells like bacon, but decides not to bother chasing them. After all, he’s finally got someone to arrest, and he certainly isn’t about to risk that by getting greedy.)
(Meanwhile, our villains are escaping successfully! Baron von Boom is laughing, amused, but Ira is pouting)
Baron von Boom: Hah! Hahahah! I finally got to protect you!
Lady Ira: Ahhh, I hate being rescued TToTT
Baron von Boom: Well so do I! Now you know how I feel!
Omen: That’s all well and good. Oh, by the way, I get to keep the expensive jewel.
Lady Ira: Whaaat! I should get it!
Omen: I stole it, I knocked out the pervert. It’s mine. u_u
Lady Ira: Aww man.
Baron von Boom: Hey, whatever. I’ve got at least a billion worth of loot stashed away.
Omen: Haaaah, I’m set for life. I’m happy.
Lady Ira: Buu… well, as long as Omen is not being emo…
Omen: Hey, I’m not emo.
Baron von Boom: Sure you are, emoman.
--End: Episode ninety-six
Apogee (tossing Adamo into a police wagon): Hum… I wonder what Baron meant when he said Ira was his?
(He pauses, then shudders)
Apogee: Oh, God, gross. Villain love.